Brave New World

Seeing as last year flew by in a total and complete whirlwind, at the tail end of 2011 I made a promise to myself that I would slow things down a bit in the New Year. I wouldn’t fill every night with events, I wouldn’t let myself get to the point where I was feeling so busy that I was never even home except to fall into my bed exhausted, then get up and shower the next morning before heading out to do it all again the next day. And the day after that. As you know, 2012 threw me a few unfortunate, frustrating, and upsetting curve balls right out of the gates, which made me all the more inclined to plan less, and commit to less, no longer feeling the urge or desire to have my calendar booked solid for weeks out.

My new mantra, when I’m invited places or plans are made is, “yeah, I’m-a get back to you on that one.” It’s not that I don’t appreciate the invitations or suggested activities. I do. Really. I’m not attempting to become a misanthrope; it’s just that I’m really embracing this whole non-committed idea. And do you know? I rather love it. Yes, some things need to be planned, particularly if things like tickets or reservations are needed. But, generally I am very much enjoying the idea of doing what I feel like doing when I feel like doing it, not because I agreed to do it or wrote it down in my planner three months in advance. Of course, without nights booked back to back to back, it means that there are more nights when I’m just heading home alone to a quiet night of my books, my writing, a simple meal, and maybe an episode or two of Breaking Bad. Lately, these are the kind of evenings I crave, and in the quiet comfort of these moments I often find I am thinking more than ever about my roots, my home, my family, my hometown. Where I’m going. Where I’ve been. It’s a complicated thing isn’t it? We give ourselves time to (attempt) to slow down and suddenly we actually have time for our thoughts.

I’m not entirely sure my plans to slow the passage of time are actually working, for here it is, already March 15th amazingly enough. And I certainly don’t have all the answers or understand all of the reasoning behind the sort of ‘life questions’ this newly acquired time is prompting within my mind. Though I guess that’s the thing I’ve been thinking about the most as of late, something I suppose I’ve always known but never really made the time to think about, and that is that it’s mine. This time is mine, this life is mine, to do with it what I will. I am fortunate in that I have – and have always had – the basic elements needed for my survival and then some. I was brought up well, with parents that love me. I was given a good education, raised with a sense of knowing right from wrong. And because this time is mine, because it comes down to my choices that affect how I spend that time, I am working to use it wisely. I would like to continue in my life to savor all that is lovely. This, while something I have always known subconsciously, is something I’ve become ever more aware of lately. It is important to me. And so I am trying my damnedest this year, starting now, starting over every day, to make time, to find time, no matter how fast it insists on moving forward.