In a matter of hours I will be on a ferry en route to Martha's Vineyard for a mini-vacation; one that I saved my pennies for and have been looking forward to for weeks.
I have a life I wouldn't trade, one that is filled with great and wonderful people, experiences, challenges, rewards, good health, travel, love, and joy. Truly, I am blessed.
But let me also tell you something.
Going through all of this alone?
It is, and there's really no other way to put it, hard.
I am not the type of person to flit in and out of relationships on a weekly basis, and I'm certainly not the type of girl who cannot be single/must have a guy around at all times. That's never been part of who I am. Independence is important to me and there have been dating situations I ultimately flee from because I feel too smothered. I like making decisions, working hard, building a life for myself that is, for the most part, exactly what I hoped for.
And yet.
I have made the bold claim that I would actually like more then what I currently have. For I want someone to share all of this life; this happy, messy, crazy, wonderful world that I call my own with. The older I get the more I have discovered that there is this odd, unspoken rule in society that a single career woman isn't supposed to talk about what she might want romantically in her life. People watch women climb a certain career ladder or seek out new positions or challenges within her professional life (as she should) and somehow rising to those new opportunities and not settling translates into "deciding to focus strictly on her career" and to "not make time for a relationship."
What a double standard our society has. A man works hard, doesn't settle down immediately and he's enjoying his bachelorhood. If he continues to work hard, advancing in his career, yet hasn't settled down he's busy working to someday be "the provider." When women reach a certain age though, people start to assume she doesn't want a family, or a significant other. It feels like people can't imagine the thought that, actually, we would like to have both boxes checked. A fulfilling career AND a fulfilling relationship/family. What in the world is so wrong - is so backwards - with actually admitting to wanting both? Yes, I have a good job that I worked damn hard to get, yes, I hope to continue climbing the proverbial career ladder and advancing within my industry. But that doesn't mean I don't want a healthy relationship and a family of my own either.
I am always very hesitant to sit down and write posts such as these because it's not all about the boy. It's not.
And yet, I should be allowed to want that other part of my life, that other "slice of the pie" no matter how fulfilling all of the other aspects in my life are. It seems to be labeled as "defeat" or some such nonsense by admitting to the fact that there is more that I want in life; that while alone is fine and actually wonderful at times and yes, completely manageable, it's not the end result I'm striving for. (Unless the dude is crazy or an asshole. Then? Yes, by all means, solo is the way to go.)
I go to weddings. So many weddings. I watch my friends say their vows, tie the knot, make those commitments in front of their loved ones and I am - genuinely, honestly - so very thrilled and happy for each and every one of them. I mean it when I congratulate them, when I hope that some day I'm invited to their 50th wedding anniversary. I visit friends who have been married for years and now are starting families. I play with their delightful children, I listen and watch as their own marriages evolve under the new dynamic of raising children. And I am sincerely happy for these families as well. Admitting that I, at times am frustrated that I haven't yet found someone I could see myself building a life with though, can, at times, open up some sort of idea that I don't want to be included or involved with my friends that are already moving in these life stages. This is not true at all. And yet, I've seen it happen. I admit to a friend that I'm aggravated by where my love life stands and suddenly I'm no longer included in celebrations regarding the fact that her love life is where she wants it to be and/or her family is growing. How is that fair? (And also, what sort of sense does that make?)
Shouldn't I be allowed to want, to hope for, that "slice of the pie" just as much as anyone else? And - perhaps the even bigger question - shouldn't I be allowed to actually admit that it's on my mind, that I'm thinking about that piece of the puzzle? It's the feeling of wanting to join a "party" and never getting the invite. Or of sitting on the outskirts, wanting so badly to try your chance at being up to bat, yet never getting called off the bench.
Every damn year, when I'm selecting the herbs I'm going to grow on my porch each summer; and then again, when I'm picking out a Christmas tree each December, I tell myself: "next year, at this time, you won't be doing this alone."
And then, when the time comes 'round again to do those sorts of things that I enjoy so much I am - oh look at that - doing it alone. Again.
Let me repeat. This is not a pity party.
I am not a big advocate of talking often about my love life, where it stands, what's happening with who, when, and where. Everyone seems to want to offer an opinion about what I should be doing, what I shouldn't be doing, have I tried this or that, maybe I should give him another chance even after that horrible date, etc. etc. Let me be blunt. I hate that shit. In all of my years - even way back in middle school when boys were first on the radar - I have never been the type to giggle and toss my hair and sit around with a bunch of girls analyzing all the back and forth between (oh, squeal!) boys. Uggh. I'm rolling my eyes just thinking about it. I do not believe in play by plays, I almost never tell anyone when I have a date unless things get to the point where I think mentioning a fellow might be worthwhile. Because the thing is, none of it should be so damn complicated. Boy and girl meet, boy and girl are initially attracted to one another, enough at least to go grab a drink or whatever. They either like one another enough to go out again, or they don't.
But.
Of course.
I know that matters of the heart are not so clear cut, are never black and white. We weed into gray matters when it comes to dating, to romance, to relationships, to love.
And I find myself here, wondering aloud what the plan is, what is waiting around the bend.
There are times when I feel like giving up completely, absolutely. I get frustrated, annoyed, angry, and hurt, the same as anyone would. It is not in my nature to stay defeated for long though. I'm an optimist at heart; always have been. I believe in keeping in the faith, and in having hope. I am allowed to want this, to keep my heart open and willing, to pray that one day, just like that we'll find each other.
In the meantime I'll keep going, keep moving forward, keep living my own life, keep aspiring. That is what I have, what I get. I am lucky that I have what I have; I simply have a wish for more.
For in the end, how we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.
4 comments:
Rebekah recommended a really good book to me called "27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single." It's basically discounting all of those people who tell you it's because you're too picky, or too desperate, or too introverted, or too extroverted, etc. etc. The book was uplifting and helpful, to me, because it was a good reminder as to how important it is to keep your chin up and keep the faith, but most importantly, to keep your dignity and your standards. Never settle. You will meet that person who makes picking out herbs feel like the most exciting thing in the world--you don't know when, and you don't know how, but it's coming. And until then, know that your life isn't any less meaningful than anyone else's, married with children or otherwise.
This is all to say--hang in there, friend. (And have a great vacation!)
A to the ever-loving MEN, sister. Do you know how often I think to myself, "Thank the sweet lord Striebs is in my life, with whom I can communicate about all of this in just a look or a short text"? OFTEN. The perceived "choice" between independence and relationship is such malarkey, and that icky feeling that we should be easy breezy about our singledom, as if we wouldn't have it any other way and this was our plan all along--it's fucking exhausting. Oy.
Here's to wishing for more! xx
Kelli, thank you so much for writing this. It's interesting how so much of the cultural narratives around single women revolve around embracing your independence and loving being single, without acknowledging that many of us would rather not be single. It's like...you wouldn't tell someone who's struggling with infertility or unemployment to just focus on the positives of their situation, so why don't we let people say out loud that sometimes being single is really hard and really sucks? I've also been really astounded at the lack of empathy some people who haven't been single for a long time seem to have for people like us. I hate that I try so hard to find someone and have still had no success.
So- yeah. Thank you for saying all this so articulately.
I completely agree with your assessment regarding the female career vs personal life. Once fully enveloped in a meaningful job or career why do so many assume you don't want the other "slice of the pie" as you put it? I can identify completely. My life in so many ways is blessed but for each trip, event, etc., even planting herbs each spring, there is something special about sharing that memory later with someone else. I HATE being alone but I won't let life pass me by because I am without a companion. Be yourself, pursue your interests and if nothing else, you will be surrounded by friends & people most like yourself. Among those may be that special someone. I love you, baby girl. You are a blessing to me in ways I cannot begin to count! Keep on being yourself. I've learned so much from your wisdom (as expressed so often in this blog).
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