Tick Tock

From the moment I flipped the calendar to June, my life has felt in a state of upheaval.  They say bad things come in threes; though lately in my little world, it's felt more like waves of five, six, ten.  They also say that everything is relative and while I'm busy shifting through this big ol' pile of tumult that has landed in front of me I do remain aware that I am fortunate enough to have my health, a roof over my head, clothes on my back, dear friends to lean on, and money in the bank. 

But damn gang. 

The universe is trying to tell me something; I believe there's some sign behind all of these dramatic shifts and changes and doors opening and closing but dang if I don't feel in a place to process the commotion and understand what they are trying to tell me or where they are attempting to move me.

There is a corner of my heart, that's meeting the corner of my brain, that's also talking to a tiny corner of my gut and they all whisper the same mantra - quietly, shyly, but with certainty.  You need time.
And oh, if that isn't the most frustrating thing about time.  We can't hurry it up, nor can we slow it down when we want.  It moves at it's steady pace through the good, the bad, and everything in between.

At the start of 2017 my New Year's resolution was to be in the present.  And I am trying.  But I feel like I am failing miserably.  My thoughts jump a million miles a minute, I am having a hard time just being focused on where I currently am, what I'm actually doing.  And it's such a hamster wheel of emotion because then - as I realize I'm not in the present, I start to berate myself for it, willing myself to just notice where I am in this moment, but then the 'what if' thoughts start up again and round and round we go. 

I suppose if the universe and I could actually converse I would ask that if it's ready to share all this upheaval if it could also go ahead and share maybe a smidge of guidance as well.  Like, okay, things are changing all around, Got. It. ...but now what?  What's right? What's next? Where are you trying to tell me to go? What are you trying to tell me to do?

Part of me wants to be able to spin this last paragraph into some sort of lesson, some sort of optimistic turn on events.  Truth be told I've written three different paragraphs here, all of which I've deleted.  Because I don't know.  I just don't.  And right now, as difficult as it is, I think I'm going to just have to work on being okay with that. On walking into the unknown.  On taking time.