The Fighter Still Remains.

Well. April already.  Here we are. Welcome.  The sun is shining and it's one of the early truly warm days of spring.  The Hudson River sparkles outside and New York City has that special twinkly glow a city like New York gets with the rush of spring, spring, spring shaking the pavement.

I am glad to be here.

I mean that at all levels - literally, figuratively. Currently I am grateful to be sitting in front of my computer in my bright office with a few funny and smart colleagues in nearby cubicles. As much as I miss Boston on a regular basis and know a part of my heart remains there, I am really happy to be here in New York City, this wild and crazy and massive city.  I just love it here.  It's messy and crowded and everything takes longer than you think it will and it's chaotic but I fell for her when I was a kid and have always been in love; I just have.  Now I get to actually be here.

And really, I'm so glad to be here on this planet of ours, in this life of mine, all mine.  Shit gets crazy, people are weird, bad news makes its way into our routines on a daily basis, and there are some pretty lousy parts of life.

BUT.

ALSO.

There are things like birds chirping at dawn and a little girl holding her Dad's hand as they walk down the sidewalk together and a hot cup of coffee in the morning and music that makes you want to dance in your kitchen and life, life, life. It's everywhere and I know it is complicated but it's just so darn beautiful too, isn't it?  It throws us curve balls and nothing is permanent and so much of it (SO much of it!) is completely left to chance; that when I catch a cab and head uptown after meeting a dear friend for a drink, I can't help but marvel as I watch out the cab window at the shops and people streaming by in a blur.  I get to be here, I think over and over. I get to be here - healthy and safe and here, right now in this world. What beautiful, wonderful luck.

I cannot even begin to completely recount what the last month has been like in my own little world; suffice it to say all college basketball aside I had plenty of my own March madness.  It actually makes my head spin a bit as I reflect back on how many ups, downs, lefts, and rights I weaved through in the last 31 odd days.  It's part of the reason this blog went dark, I had no minutes to give to my writing because I was busy fighting for some other things, working hard to carve out a few important details about my future.

And here is a thing I learned - or maybe rediscovered is a better word - in all of this madness. I'm not a yeller.  I'm certainly no instigator. Some people thrive off of it, but screaming matches and going round for round in arguments have never been something I gravitate toward.  Still, in my own way, I am a fighter.  I have more grit than I give myself credit for and I will not suffer fools gladly.

This truth has always been buried in my core being; I've dug in deep to grab it in previous situations.  Still, sometimes I can forget she's in there - until you try and put me in a corner. And knowing that I have that, knowing I can advocate for what I need and want in a rational proactive way makes me proud of, well, me.  All too often it's easy to notice our flaws, to pay attention to what aspects of ourselves we want to improve on so it can be a refreshing change of pace once in awhile to take a minute and pat ourselves on the back now and then too.  I hope this quiet fighter will always remain; I hope she's there and at the ready when I need her most. (Because this won't be the last time, of course it won't.)

I also got the great and wonderful reminder that just when you think all hope is lost; when you're ready to completely give up - you don't. As it turns out?  The universe knows what she is doing.  This I believe. And life still has some happy surprises up her sleeve.