Up in the Air

Gang.

I have been on so many airplanes and flights to and from and back again lately, I've lost count. I've become far more familiar with newsstands, overpriced kiosks, the hum of a busy airport, and in-flight safety regulations than I'd ever anticipated. Some of the travel has been for fun, some of it for business. Seeing as I'm hopping on yet another flight to Miami this week, (Miami. In the middle of August. Definitely a business trip.) I thought I'd take a minute to post 5 constants I've discovered throughout my travels.

1.) Airports work in mysterious, time-sucking ways.

Going through security will ALWAYS take longer than you think it will. The only time it won't will be the one time you actually anticipate the airport being more crowded than usual and arrive with plenty of extra time. On that trip you'll fly through security in two minutes flat and find yourself with hours to kill before your departure. On every other trip? You will move at a snails pace when going through security and will then find yourself sprinting to your gate, dry-heaving as you try to run in flats whilst carrying your laptop, purse, and carry-on luggage.

2.) Airport Security is one of Dante's levels of Hell.

Really. I realize this is not a revolutionary statement, but I can think of absolutely nothing more frustrating, depressing, and aggravating as dealing with the TSA and their ass-backwards systems. When you arrive at the security checkpoint you'll see "helpful" signs directing you to certain lanes - expert traveler, casual traveler, traveling with babies, traveling with elderly people, traveling if you're exactly 5'6" have blonde hair and brown eyes and your name is Mary..., etc. Take it from me, there is no point in even paying the slightest ounce of attention to these "helpful" signs. No one else does, so why should you? People move en masse to the shortest security line. It doesn't matter if they've got 18 kids in tow or are just carrying a single brief case. Does the TSA help with directions or crowd control? What do you think?

Which...brings me to point #3.

3.) Life could be worse.

Whenever I am frustrated with my life, my job, my friends, global warming, humanity in general, or something of a personal nature I remind myself to take a moment and count my blessings. There have been several moments when this exact statement has left me feeling heaps better: At least, thank God, I do not work for the TSA. Apologies to any readers that actually do work for the TSA...and I really mean that. I am so, so sorry you have to work there. Daily.

My father and I recently decided the TSA shouldn't have slogans about keeping us safe, but instead should work "bureaucracy at its finest" into all of their catchphrases. Take for instance, a very recent interaction I had with the TSA at the Philadelphia International Airport:

"Excuse me? Sir? I know everyone is waiting in line, but I'm very worried I'm going to miss my flight. It leaves in 20 minutes. Is there any way I can move to the front of this checkpoint?"

"Um. I can't help you. I have to ask her."

"Oh, um, okay. Could you ask her?"

(Pregnant Pause.)

"Actually, I forgot. I'm not allowed to ask her for you. You have to ask her yourself."

"Uh...okay. Could I do that?"

"Sure. Let me get her attention for you."

Enter TSA woman from Stage Right:

"Hi. I was wondering if there's anyone I can talk to about getting to the front of the line for them to check my license and ticket? I'm really worried I will miss this flight since we've all been standing here, not moving."

"The only person who can pull you to the front of the line is a Southwest employee."

"Okay, great! Do you know where I might find a Southwest employee?"

"They are all downstairs at check-in."

"Of course they are."

I mean, really TSA woman. Why don't you just tell me no, there's no way I can move ahead in line? You and I both know that's what you're saying anyhow. Let's not make this harder than it has to be, okay?

4.) The Gates are filled with weird stores. Actually, they're kinda creepy.

How many people actually go in to various airport stores? Sure, maybe you grab a bottle of overpriced water and some pretzels or order a coffee to go from Starbucks, but have you ever spent any time perusing the actual shops lining airport gateways? I imagine, if you've ever had a layout or dealt with a delayed flight you have. And don't you find the shops feel just a little...off? It's nothing I can pinpoint exactly, but I think it has to do with merchandise that's been sitting for months - probably years. Does anyone ever think to themselves "huh, now that my flight's been pushed back two hours I think I'll go shell out hundreds of dollars for some Southwestern jewelry over at that Taste of the West shop." No. They don't. We all wander in those types of shops to kill time, we might even find a few things that we actually kind of like. But haven't you noticed? No one is ever actually buying anything.

5.) Airports make you crave junk food.

I like to think for the most part I have a pretty healthy diet. I enjoy treats now and again, of course, but I do my best to eat 3 squares a day and get my veggies. There's something about crossing into a gate-way after the security battle though that sends all of my junk food cravings into high alert, at the same time. Suddenly I want Twizzlers, and a Freshen's ice cream cone, and BBQ potato chips. Instantaneously. What? I don't even like those things! In fact, I hate BBQ flavored potato chips!


I do find that I usually catch a brief moment of respite when we all start boarding the plane. I like knowing we're finally headed somewhere, en route to where-ever our final destination may be. But first, we have to deal with the actual air travel time.

And that's another post entirely.