Learning.

17 years ago today, stuck in a boring job making minimal pay, I started this blog. I was 25 years old.  Desktop computers were the norm.  No one texted, smart phones did not exist.  I was living in my very own one bedroom apartment on my very own for the very first time.  I thought I had a lot figured out.  Of course, obviously, I did not.

Now I am 42 and the only thing I seem to know for sure is that I certainly do not have it figured out. Does anyone? Ever?

I don't write here very much anymore; blogging - the good old innocent days of it - have gone the way of the flip phone and the aforementioned desktop computers. Now it's bite-sized content and influencers and ads and endless amounts of fast and furious content. But this blog served her purpose; I'm so grateful I started it that random day in August all those years ago.  It's been a creative outlet when I needed a creative outlet.  Not only did it hold me accountable and get me writing more regularly but it helped me meet some really wonderful people during the golden age of the blog-o-sphere. 

Tonight, before I started this post, I dug into the archives to re-read that very first blog post I wrote almost two decades ago.  Oh, my.  Was I ever that young?

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Here is this:

Less than two months ago I got a puppy. My very own. The whole process was an emotional rollercoaster in a multitude of ways and I am not too proud to tell you that I had many nights (and days) after I brought him home when I thought perhaps I'd made a terrible decision.  He is a sweet little guy with a heart of gold.  And yet, it's not always easy. We are both still learning a lot about this life together every single day.  The reality is that caring for another living thing takes work and can be exhausting and frustrating and very tiring.  How wild (how insane!) it can feel to suddenly no longer be the only thing that matters in your day to day!

But there is also this:

A couple of nights ago my little puppy got a case of the runs.  We're not sure what caused it, though city living with a nose constantly to the ground and a penchant for putting ALL THE THINGS in his little mouth is the #1 suspect.  He and I were up every two hours, all night long, getting him outside quickly so he could relieve himself, both of us exhausted as the night wore on. In my heart I knew it was probably nothing to majorly stress about - diarrhea happens to the best of us! - but at 3am, alone with a brand new puppy who doesn't feel well, my brain was prone only to one mode - panic. And Google searches. 

After our third trip outside, I curled up next to him on the floor. He snuggled into me and took one of those deep breath puppy sighs.  And I think that's the moment when things shifted completely for me. We are in it, me and him, for better and for worse.  We are in this life thing, this figuring it out thing, together.

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Five years ago, my beloved cat Sophia died.  The year before I lost Soph, I'd lost her brother, my other beloved, Nolan.  Losing both of my cats, the only pets that had ever been mine and mine alone, back to back like that crushed a part of my heart.  For years I couldn't even contemplate bringing another animal into my life.  That's the thing about pets isn't it? We love them madly, so furiously, but their time on Earth is too short and there's a strong likelihood we will outlive our furry family.  It breaks my heart to even dwell on the thought.

What, how much, is there a limit, to what our hearts can hold?

On another night, when my pup was feeling like his normal and happy energetic self, he was flopping around my living room, chasing one of his toys, all long limbs and puppy fluff.  He was making me laugh out loud with his antics.  As melodramatic as it might sound, in that moment I felt a piece of my hardened heart soften and expand.  Oh, I thought to myself.  Oh, I'd forgotten this feeling.

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Sometimes it feels as if we are all in the hardest of times lately. Yes, there are always the worst hard times, but the last few years feel especially fraught. There are more questions than answers, more problems than solutions.  But we keep going.  Somehow, we keep going and I hope most of us are still finding the good.

And I hope we are all making room for love and to love - again and more and over and over and over again.

Let it win.